Monday, September 5, 2011

Enjoying the Beach

Sunrise on the Atlantic Ocean in Virginia Beach

One of the best feelings in the world!

Under the 15th Street pier

15th Street pier

Oh how I wish my flip-flops looked like this everyday!

Being a little nostalgic about my vacation to Virginia Beach earlier this year.  I miss the smell of the salt-water, the breeze coming from the ocean, watching the sunrise, feeling the sand under my feet; the sound of the waves, and the cries of the seagulls.  Fresh seafood and deep-sea fishing, sand everywhere, collecting sea shells and walking down the boardwalk holding my husband's hand.  Some day, beach, someday soon we will be back

Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Husband

I was married almost a year ago and our first anniversary is fast approaching!! I have to say, what a wonderful year it has been!  We have between us, 5 boys and 2 girls, ages ranging from 8 to 23.  Speaking of 8/ birthday is August 23rd.  Lol...yes, I have issues. 

My husband and I are both attending college (again!) for Software Development, but are so early in the program I don't have much to say about how much I love (or hate) it.

My husband thoughts are deep and profound, he is funny and loves to be the center of attention, he is my best friend and I love him deeply.  I wish I met him sooner, but we met at the perfect time. Had we met sooner we would not be the people we are today. 

Damien reminds me so much of my dad that it is hard to believe they never had a chance to meet. I believe they were quite possibly created from the same mold! Their sense of humor, oh boy....rambling here, but oh dad and brother had this stupid dance they made up to the song "Safety Dance"..I think they called it jump dancing, but it is the equivalent of today's chest bumping.  The other day in the car, while I was driving, Damien "choreographed" a dance to the song "Don't Let me Fall" by B.o.B. and had the kids dancing along with him. I don't think he noticed the dorky smile on my face or the tear in my eye. 

Memories like those last a lifetime, the kids were cracking up; people next to us at the red lights were pointing and looking at us like we were nuts! I wanted to roll my window down and tell them to lighten up, life is all about laughter and the memories we create for our children; and I have no doubt the kids will never forget that day in the car. I know I won't.

Safety Dance:

Don't Let me Fall:

Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Angel

His name is Justin Anthony; he would be turning 22 this year.  His death altered my life drastically and of those around me. My child’s death was attributed to SIDS, which means there is no definable cause for his death.  He was a perfectly healthy infant who went to sleep and never woke up.

I was guilt-ridden and unable to function. A lot of people avoided me like the plague. I felt I had no one to talk to.  I needed answers. I needed to know what I did wrong.  I called the coroner and begged him to tell me why this happened.  I think I shocked him, he was not expecting my call and he told me he really never had someone call and ask him the questions that I asked, but he was helpful.  He told me it was not my fault, and assured me that I did nothing wrong.  He then gave me the phone number of a support group.  During a very troublesome night I decided to call the number, and the phone just rang and rang; finally someone answered. The phone rang so long that when she answered, she said “I am here…please don’t hang up”!  I talked to her many times after that night and I thank her for her words of wisdom.  She was the only person who understood what I was going through.

I think of him often, and sometimes I see him in my dreams.  Early on, I saw him frequently and he was always singing; he was always the age he should be had he lived.  The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago.  I was sleeping, but I am not sure that I was completely asleep.  I was lying on my side and opened my eyes and there he was, laying on his stomach, arms crossed with his chin resting on my waist, just looking at me.  Then he vanished.  I did not sleep much that night, willing him to come back. I have not seen him since that night.

My dad passed away around the time I saw Justin and I wonder if he was just checking up on me.  I like to think so.

I just wanted to write about him for me, to keep his memory alive.  He was a beautiful little guy, blond hair and blue eyes. He was almost identical to his big brother, except his brother had brown hair. My best friend Shirley was holding him and making funny noises and kissing him, when he smiled for the first time…she loved that it was her that got the first smile and she never let me forget it.  I had his picture taken by K-Mart three days before his death, and had only ordered the cheapest package (I was a poor woman!!), but anyway…months after the fact I was looking at the pictures I had left…not many because so many family members wanted a copy, and decided to call K-mart to see about ordering more.  I was transferred to the company who processed their pictures and the woman who answered must have been an angel herself.  I explained what happened and that I wanted to order some more prints; she got my address and which pictures I wanted and this beautiful person sent me every pose and hundreds of copies! I couldn’t believe it.  I assumed there would be a bill in the envelope, but there wasn’t; she sent them to me free of charge!  Words cannot define how grateful I feel to this day.  There truly are kind-hearted people in this world.

His death does not define me completely, but it is a big part of who I am today.

I survived and learned to live again, but I still miss him with every ounce of my being.  Kisses my little angel, until we meet again.