My Angel

His name is Justin Anthony; he would be turning 22 this year.  His death altered my life drastically and of those around me. My child’s death was attributed to SIDS, which means there is no definable cause for his death.  He was a perfectly healthy infant who went to sleep and never woke up.

I was guilt-ridden and unable to function. A lot of people avoided me like the plague. I felt I had no one to talk to.  I needed answers. I needed to know what I did wrong.  I called the coroner and begged him to tell me why this happened.  I think I shocked him, he was not expecting my call and he told me he really never had someone call and ask him the questions that I asked, but he was helpful.  He told me it was not my fault, and assured me that I did nothing wrong.  He then gave me the phone number of a support group.  During a very troublesome night I decided to call the number, and the phone just rang and rang; finally someone answered. The phone rang so long that when she answered, she said “I am here…please don’t hang up”!  I talked to her many times after that night and I thank her for her words of wisdom.  She was the only person who understood what I was going through.

I think of him often, and sometimes I see him in my dreams.  Early on, I saw him frequently and he was always singing; he was always the age he should be had he lived.  The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago.  I was sleeping, but I am not sure that I was completely asleep.  I was lying on my side and opened my eyes and there he was, laying on his stomach, arms crossed with his chin resting on my waist, just looking at me.  Then he vanished.  I did not sleep much that night, willing him to come back. I have not seen him since that night.

My dad passed away around the time I saw Justin and I wonder if he was just checking up on me.  I like to think so.

I just wanted to write about him for me, to keep his memory alive.  He was a beautiful little guy, blond hair and blue eyes. He was almost identical to his big brother, except his brother had brown hair. My best friend Shirley was holding him and making funny noises and kissing him, when he smiled for the first time…she loved that it was her that got the first smile and she never let me forget it.  I had his picture taken by K-Mart three days before his death, and had only ordered the cheapest package (I was a poor woman!!), but anyway…months after the fact I was looking at the pictures I had left…not many because so many family members wanted a copy, and decided to call K-mart to see about ordering more.  I was transferred to the company who processed their pictures and the woman who answered must have been an angel herself.  I explained what happened and that I wanted to order some more prints; she got my address and which pictures I wanted and this beautiful person sent me every pose and hundreds of copies! I couldn’t believe it.  I assumed there would be a bill in the envelope, but there wasn’t; she sent them to me free of charge!  Words cannot define how grateful I feel to this day.  There truly are kind-hearted people in this world.

His death does not define me completely, but it is a big part of who I am today.

I survived and learned to live again, but I still miss him with every ounce of my being.  Kisses my little angel, until we meet again.