Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Angel


His name is Justin Anthony; he would be turning 22 this year.  His death altered my life drastically and of those around me. My child’s death was attributed to SIDS, which means there is no definable cause for his death.  He was a perfectly healthy infant who went to sleep and never woke up.

I was guilt-ridden and unable to function. A lot of people avoided me like the plague. I felt I had no one to talk to.  I needed answers. I needed to know what I did wrong.  I called the coroner and begged him to tell me why this happened.  I think I shocked him, he was not expecting my call and he told me he really never had someone call and ask him the questions that I asked, but he was helpful.  He told me it was not my fault, and assured me that I did nothing wrong.  He then gave me the phone number of a support group.  During a very troublesome night I decided to call the number, and the phone just rang and rang; finally someone answered. The phone rang so long that when she answered, she said “I am here…please don’t hang up”!  I talked to her many times after that night and I thank her for her words of wisdom.  She was the only person who understood what I was going through.

I think of him often, and sometimes I see him in my dreams.  Early on, I saw him frequently and he was always singing; he was always the age he should be had he lived.  The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago.  I was sleeping, but I am not sure that I was completely asleep.  I was lying on my side and opened my eyes and there he was, laying on his stomach, arms crossed with his chin resting on my waist, just looking at me.  Then he vanished.  I did not sleep much that night, willing him to come back. I have not seen him since that night.

My dad passed away around the time I saw Justin and I wonder if he was just checking up on me.  I like to think so.

I just wanted to write about him for me, to keep his memory alive.  He was a beautiful little guy, blond hair and blue eyes. He was almost identical to his big brother, except his brother had brown hair. My best friend Shirley was holding him and making funny noises and kissing him, when he smiled for the first time…she loved that it was her that got the first smile and she never let me forget it.  I had his picture taken by K-Mart three days before his death, and had only ordered the cheapest package (I was a poor woman!!), but anyway…months after the fact I was looking at the pictures I had left…not many because so many family members wanted a copy, and decided to call K-mart to see about ordering more.  I was transferred to the company who processed their pictures and the woman who answered must have been an angel herself.  I explained what happened and that I wanted to order some more prints; she got my address and which pictures I wanted and this beautiful person sent me every pose and hundreds of copies! I couldn’t believe it.  I assumed there would be a bill in the envelope, but there wasn’t; she sent them to me free of charge!  Words cannot define how grateful I feel to this day.  There truly are kind-hearted people in this world.

His death does not define me completely, but it is a big part of who I am today.

I survived and learned to live again, but I still miss him with every ounce of my being.  Kisses my little angel, until we meet again.


7 comments:

  1. Hey Sis!!! This is so heart-touching. I am so sorry for your loss, but at the same time I am grateful for you sharing this. Although I wasn't able to meet my two babies, I still miss them and think about them often. Thanks for sharing.... I love u sis!!!

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  2. This is the saddest/sweetest thing i ever read, Shelli. Hope your okay. I love you.

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  3. To loose a child is the worst loss and pain known to this life and I'm sorry this happened to your angel. A woman very dear to me, Sister Mary Anne David Fatula at Ohio Dominican, shared with me that God blesses those that have passed with opportunities to visit their loved ones in our sleep. This woman is married to God and has never told a lie in her life.... but you already know this to be true. I just wanted you to know that there are highly regarded spiritual people/authors that agree with you :). Justin may be busy welcoming your dad and catching up with him?? Either way, he has only one mommy, so he will certainly spend eternity by your side!! With Love, Stephanie Schleppi Albert

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  4. You just had to make me cry today. i did get the smile from my little buddy and it is so hard to think of him being that old. a few days after he passed away we was at your house by the mall and Devin ask if his brother was in heaven and we cryed cause it was hard to try to tell a 5yr old. If you need anything or just to talk to someone you know am always there for you anytime and anyplace. love you guys

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  5. Thanks for writing this Shelli! I read it yesterday but I was reading from my phone so I wasn't able to comment. It really touched me! Thanks for sharing!

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  6. This is your brother..I love you and WE all miss him..Very well written and I'm crying my eyes out..Chris Shidaker

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